I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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