Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
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