he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just googled if crying burns calories
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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