i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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