I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
