What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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