also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
