i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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