This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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