you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
3pm strippers are depressing
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
