i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
