I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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