i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.