I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
