my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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