Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
