I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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