respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
