Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Boobs are out for the taking
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
