when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
