dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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