im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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