Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
