you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
