can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
