You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
