The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
