i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
