True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
