How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
