Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Come on in and take your pants off
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