Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
two words: eviction party
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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