I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
