What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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