last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Randomize
