I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
