Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
