Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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