About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
