I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
