I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Drunk is not a location!
I deserve this hangover.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
