I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
