You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
