I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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