hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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