Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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