the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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