as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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