someone threw a dead crab at me
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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