I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
