I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Randomize
