What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my sisters under your porch take her home
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
