Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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