youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
