WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He had one of those small greek statue penises
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
