I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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