so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
