you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
