Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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