There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
