Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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