chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
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Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
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I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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